I’ve been developing a documentary series for some time about whether it is still possible to raise a successful athlete while behaving like a good parent. Because I’m not sure you can.
My son is 20 months old and he is as athletic as a bag of new potatoes. He has two good feet (when he was born the doctor told me so) and yet he’s only used them for toddling, freestyle puddling, and occasionally chewing. He has kicked a football - with both feet I’ll have you know - but then goes full Neymar rolling around on the grass only stopping to pull the heads of daisies. His throwing is no better. I know you can be a lefty or a righty, but what if they are useless at both? So far his arm talent extends to putting his hands on his head and declaring “oh no” after the ball he was throwing disappears into the hood of his jumper and can’t be found until he is put to bed.
It’s early, he’ll find his way.
But what if he doesn’t? I’m almost 40, I work in TV, my pension is laughable. Who’s going to pay for my retirement?
As I’ve already decided he lacks the talent for the him to find a sport so I’m going to have to pick one for him, and then push him so hard in that direction that we fall out in his teens but he forgives me by his autobiography. It worked for Richard Williams, it worked for Anthony Hamilton, it worked for Emmanuel Agassi, and it worked for Earl Woods. Sort of.
Now which sport?
Swimming is out. I’m not doing the 5am starts and I think it’s harder to love a child that smells of chlorine. It won’t be basketball or rowing due to his father’s sub-par vertical genes. Actually, when it comes to genetics we could probably rule out any sport that require sprints (his father is 99% slow-twitch muscle) or sports that take place anywhere near the equator (his mother’s Irish skin would cause issues).
We can rule out hockey, rugby, GAA and gymnastics. They all sound “fun” but nobody will be laughing when I’m still working at 80 cutting sport montages to music I’ve never heard of.
Horsing requires horses. Sailing require sails (and boats). Snowboarding requires snow and a good doctor. Motor racing requires karts and a very rich father, and as of yet we haven’t found one to adopt him. These are Grade A nepotism sports and although I have met a few movers and shakers in the sporting world I’m not sure McLaren would offer my boy work experience driving an F1 car - even if it was just for the Chinese Grand Prix.
Tennis. Now you’re talking. This is THE sport for the cheapskate pushy parent. And the earlier you start the bigger the head-start. Rackets are relatively cheap. There’s some grass out the back and some road out the front - that’s Wimbledon and the Australian Open covered. Until he’s about 9 he won’t need to play against anyone except his Dad who will stand at one end of the court whacking balls at him. Coach? Who needs a coach? It’s hitting a ball, LOTS of balls. After a win at a junior tournament we may even upgrade to a machine that fires the balls at him at 100mph while I conserve my energy sipping Gatorade and planning my next outburst. He’ll call me Coach. I’ll call him a disappointment (withholding love is a very strong motivator you see). We’ll all move to Florida (not his mother, because of the skin) and I’ll get fat. He’ll win a Grand Slam and I could tell him I’m proud, but no - it’s a short career you see - I’ll wait till after his 3rd or 4th knee operation when it’s clear he’s done, and then I’ll look him in the eyes, one hand on his shoulder, and say “that’ll do pig”. Oh how we will laugh. The stuff of dreams.
But it could all be over by 25. And then what? That’s a lot of physical and mental therapy to pay for over the next 70 years.
Golf?
This is a bigger investment but oh the rewards! Longer career. Delightful clubhouses. Worldwide travel. And you get paid to play with Bill Murray and Brian O’Driscoll on your down time. You don’t even have to win anything to be successful and rich. Now I realise that I’ll have to stump up some course fees but I reckon if we work on some trick shots early on we could create a buzz on social media. People would pay good money to see a 3 year old driving golf balls off a tee held in the mouth of a desperate father. That should get us TikTok famous and therefore sponsorship with Red Bull, or at worst Monster.
This is all moot because his mother would prefer that he went to college and study something, as opposed to my plan where he goes to an American college and studies nothing. This presents a bit of a problem.
I have two options:
Invest in Child A to become a sport prodigy who then can pay for Child B (there is no Child B) to go to college.
Send Child A to college (local, nothing fancy) and use him to toughen up Child B (there is no child B) so he becomes aggressively competitive; think Serena, Yaya Toure, Andy Murray.
Maybe what is required is a brood. Using the law of averages we could strike genetic gold while simultaneously creating an environment where you either fight or you go hungry. Again, it would be a risky financial strategy, but as long as you keep costs low by depriving them of space, privacy, attention and material objects it could just work. How many times have we heard an athlete say; “I wanted to succeed because when we were young we didn’t have anything, I’m so glad I can now buy my mother a house in Beverly Hills”...jokes on you, Dad lives with Mum.
There is a lot to think about, and so much to plan with so little time (did I mention he’s already 20 months old).
I could just lock him outside with a football till it gets dark. Worked for Pele.